Marketing Audacity

Does Delta Airlines make us all out to be blithering idiots?

Their credit card commercial via American Express touts exclusive card member privileges for the first checked bag being free.  Really?  This is the best perk you could come up with?  This is the trump card?  Taking something that everyone remembers as being free to the unwashed masses just a couple years ago and marketing it as a world-beating premium?  It takes balls to make this the primary message.  Do they think we all forgot about checked bags being free?  The ad presentation is all pretentious too...it really pisses me off.  I'll be sulking back in steerage class with my carry-on bag, thank you...

Shake Weight For Men

Well, this was inevitable - wasn't it?
EVERYONE has seen this by now, but it's worth pointing out anyway.  The jokers at Shake Weight have taken the most ridiculous product available for women and now made it available for men. 

Now guys everywhere have access to the ultimate workout for strengthening the muscles used for furious masturbation.

Prepare For The Return Of Balloon Boy

Would you have hired Michael Jackson to work at your daycare?  Probably not.  But that's essentially what is happening now that the balloon property is being returned to the balloon family of balloon boy. 
http://gizmodo.com/5542073/original-balloon-boy-balloon-returned-to-hoax+creating-family
What's worse than the balloon boy hoax?  How about the endless hours of coverage about the balloon boy hoax that we were subjected to?  Yes - that was bad, but allowing the hoaxers access to the hoaxing device again is sheer lunacy.  If this ends up in a reality program we will have reached a new low in the areas of news coverage, law enforcement, and entertainment programming.

Community Is Gilligan's Island

It dawned on me as I was watching an episode of NBC's Community...that it is essentially Gilligan's Island re-born.  Submitted for your anlaysis:

Both shows have 7 main characters
Within those characters, 4 are men and 3 are women
The zaniness is limited to the confines of their surroundings
Both shows are funny (ok - not much merit here)
Here is it broken down by character:

So there you have it.
Einhorn is Finkle
Finkle is Einhorn
What's old is new again.

American Gladiators

Somehow this show made it to air in two separate series:

1989–1996
2008

The show is currently in hiatus, but not officially cancelled.  According to Wikipedia, it may show up at a later date on another network.  NBC still has an active page for it.

Its inevitable that this show will re-surface; and eventually it will turn itself into the Running Man, or the competition from Idiocracy.  We can only hope.

It's Effin Science

G4 is spinning off a segment from Attack of the Show called It's Effin Science in June.
http://g4tv.com/thefeed/blog/post/704128/its-effin-science-comes-to-g4-in-june.html
I am generally a fan of G4 and Attack of the Show, so I'm going to give it a try.  However, the title is sort of funny - and it made me think that this might be how we have to title courses in high school or college in the future...

Effin History - From the Past
That Damned Numbers Class
Friggin Phyzicul Edge-UK-Shin

And there would be field trips...

Bailouts Waiting To Happen

News came today of United Airlines and Continental Airlines "merging".  This will undoubtedly be the same type of merger where Delta swallowed up Northwest and became the worlds largest airline.  Now United may become the worlds largest airline.  Indeed both United and Delta are the size of the earth itself and it's merely a matter of time before they are failing and we will end up with the bill.

More incredible is how (up until now) Delta has been touting themselves as the world's largest airline in their marketing - as if that's endearing to the flying public.  Considering the size of these companies and the impact on employment, transportation, and other factors - what reason do we have to believe that these companies won't end up in the same scenario as GM, Chrysler, or the large financial corporations that were bailed out? 

If these companies become too big to fail they should be deemed too big to exist.  Delta should not have been allowed to eat Northwest, and United should not be allowed to absorb Continental.  Get ready for for less choice, higher prices, and the inevitable bailouts.  Thanks Wall Street!  This is going to bite all of us in the ass.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100503/ap_on_bi_ge/us_united_continental
(Fat cat picture courtesy of a Gizmodo post about AT&T)

The Better Marriage Blanket

The Better Marraige Blanket fails on more accounts than it succeeds.  Sure, it reduces the potency of smelly farts, but they didn't even address these potential solves:

• 
  
  Hogging the covers
• 
  
  Releasing scents of strippers chocolate and roses to encourage amorous behavior
• 
  
  Enhanced drool protection
• 
  
  Sound dampening for heavy snoring

http://gizmodo.com/5527660/the-better-marriage-blanket-dampens-farts-to-save-lives-relationships

Toy Fails

Here's a follow-up to Candy Fails.  For those of you who have always fantasized about pumping Batman until he spits at you...the Batman water gun.  More on this and other key toy fails over at Cracked...

Backtacular Gluteal Cleft Patch

Wow - what an attractive name for a spectacular product!  This is made for the .000001% of ladies that like the comfort and appeal of ultra-low rise jeans, but are ashamed of the resulting butt crack cleavage.  Well now you can patch it up!  While your at it, get another one for the front side to represent the pubic hair you once had in that region.  This product would also work well for those interested in the tramp-stamp look that never found the drunken spring break ambition to execute it.

http://www.kimberlily.com/

Corporate Entertainment

Wal-Mart and Proctor & Gamble are teaming up to feed you wholesome family entertainment.  It's called "Secrets of the Mountain" and it aired last Friday night on NBC.  The movie certainly featured a moutain of product placement.  Even the remote mountain retreat managed to have a number of private-label goods in the kitchen recently acquired at Wal-Mart.  Spoon-fed corporate bs...yummy - that's good entertainment.

My favorite part is that the milf played by Paige Turco is also known for her not-so-wholesome role as Ms. Turbody in Rescue Me a couple years ago.  She was a teacher who seduced her student, then slept with his father figure (Denis Leary) - who proceeded to ask afterward "Can I get a sandwich...Ms Turbody?".  Oh yeah - and she had VD.  Good stuff.

Technology In Reverse

The space shuttle fleet is scheduled to be retired later this year.  There is no re-usable manned spacecraft ready to replace it.  This is not the first time a craft that was on the bleeding edge of technology has been retired without any successor.  This was the case with the concorde supersonic transport and the SR-71 blackbird.  The concorde was the only airliner to fly at supersonic speed.  There is currently no airliner doing this.  The SR-71 holds basically every airspeed record on earth. 

Were these expensive projects?  Hell yes.  Should there be replacements?  That's debatable I suppose.  Satellites have pretty much taken care of the need for the SR-71.  The concorde was too expensive to operate, but by now you would think they could make something more affordable.  Wouldn't you like to travel to Europe in only 3 hours?  The capabilities of the space shuttle are necessary just to maintain the space station.  What's the plan for that?

Your medical technology in reverse...

"It says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded.  Don't worry, scrote. There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now."

Hip Hop Abs

Does drinking Cristal produce rock hard abs? How about rollin on dubs, or pimpin hos and slammin Cadillac doors? No? Oh - it must be the hip-hop dance moves then. Heavy D made it work I think.  Let's face it - there is really only one way to dance your way to a six-pack...(you MUST watch this video - with your audio on)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciX0e3M4_mA

Tripping BALLS!

I Miss The Black Taco

Discovering the KFC Double Down made me long for the days of the BlackJack Taco at Taco Bell.  Man, I wish it were 2009 again.  Not only was it a tasty treat, but the marketing campaign was GENIUS.  I mean...
Black Taco
Come on...
BLACK TACO
Yes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuEdFsq1y5w

The blatantly sexual nature of this is simply devilish.  It could only be topped by a Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Awareness Week Pink Taco - at Taco Bell.  I send out the challenge to the Taco Bell taco artists...

Of course, there is already a Mexican restaurant named the Pink Taco at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. 

So...we're getting very close to fiction future territory...

Candy Fails

Behold the "Orange" flavored Easter Tootsie Pop...

This reminded me of the all-time classic candy fail...the Jar Jar Binks candy tongue.

Yes kids!  You too can make out frech-kiss style with your favorite annoying Star Wars character.  This product is so absurd that I actually own one.  I figure it is going to be worth good money some day.  How did this make it past the George Lucas licensing desk?  There is of course one Star Wars product which is much more legendary...the 1977 C3PO Star Wars "Error" Card...

Look closely.  You can get your hands on one of these beauties on eBay.

KFC Double Down - Chicken Buns

A week is so long to wait for something so revolutionary.  To quote a friend upon learning the Double Down is real..."I will wait in line like an Apple fanboy".  To quote another friend..."This is literally the best thing since sliced bread".  Why would we bother with a bun?  Who needs those excess carbs anyway?

Now I wish someone would just figure out how to make edible hands...
http://www.kfc.com/doubledown/

Booty Pop Panties

These are basically a padded bra for your ass.  I for one think that padded bras, and now booty pop, are false advertising.  Ladies - don't bother working out...just cheat!  Nowadays padded bras are utilized to minimize pokies, which I guess is an acceptable excuse.  Being a red-blooded male, I rather like the pokies though.  It's increasingly rare to find the pokies these days.  The gals just don't put any trust in their given shape anymore. 

And now we have booty pop.  I imagine this plan works well until the lady gets that booty-lovin guy alone at home.  When things get heated and it's time to drop the jeans...then what?  DAMN!  This is the equivalent of a guy stuffing a tube sock in his zipper.  Embarrassing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4EvVErNhVE

Mall Cops: Mall of America

TLC picked up 12 episodes of a show based on the goings-on of mall cops at the MOA.  It's sure to be a thrill-a-minute ride of suburban shopping drama.  I can't wait for the follow up series:  Information Desk Attendant.  What zaniness goes on at the information desk!

One positive could come out of this though.  This could easily resurrect the drinking game we used to play along with COPS.  During each commercial break the contestants in the room predict a scenario or "perp" class which will be featured in the next segment.  For example, you could guess between scenarios like theft, suicide, vandalism, violence, medical emergency, etc.  Or choose between different perps like punk kids, gang members, elderly, baby mamas, employees, or Iowegians.  All those who lose have to drink.  In reality though - everyone's a winner.

Procreation License Revoked - Jersey Shore Cast

Certain people just shouldn't be allowed to procreate.  Their spawn will either have no redeeming value, or just pull down the rest of us somehow along their journey.

With names like J-WOWW, The Situation, and Snooki, you know you aren't dealing with mental heavyweights.  I spent 15 minutes with this show - which is all that I could handle.  The show uses subtitles to help you understand the "english" being spoken.  They live together, sleep with each other, hate each other, and are othewise terribly annoying.  These are the type of vapid dipshits we can look forward to on television for years to come.  Get used to it.

Are You Ready To Face The Hole?

I'm not sure if the "Hole in the Wall" show is still on yet or not, but I remember watching it last year.  The entirety of the show was to challenge the contestants to fit themselves through various shaped holes...in the wall.  That's it.  That's the entire show.  The show is/was hosted by an Amazon gal and a cheesy guy in a suit that would kick off each challenge with the catch phrase..."Are you ready to face the hole?" 

Giggles.  Better yet - for the final challenge the host asks "Are you ready to face the final hole?"  Surely not everyone is prepared or comfortable to face the final hole.  This show would fit right into the Idiocracy TV programming of the future...

Running For Office

"Hello, this is Killian. Give me the Justice Department, Entertainment Division"

A day after the Predator post I was reminded that the same body builders/action stars/governors appeared together in the Running Man.  Who could forget?  Or at least who could forget how Jesse, aka Captain Freedom, looked in that turtleneck and blazer...

Pajama Jeans

I'm holding out for pajama sports coats, collared shirts, pants and ties to wear to weddings, funerals, and most importantly job interviews.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8clu5gDLzI&feature=related
$39.95 - but it includes a free t-shirt.  "This is an entire outfit!"

Predator Governing Bodies

Predator was on TV the other day.  Let's just remind ourselves that TWO of the actors in Predator have become state Governors. 

MN     Jesse 'The Body" Ventura
CA     Arnold Schwarzenegger

I'm a pretty big fan of Carl Weathers - so maybe he'll turn up somewhere as Governor.  According to Wikipedia he has already considered it:
"...he appeared in a spoof segment on Saturday Night Live, announcing that he was running for political office and urging viewers to vote for him on the basis that "he was the black guy in Predator""

Actors That Manage to Play Themselves in Fiction

Charlie Sheen and Tracy Morgan play characters in sitcoms named Charlie and Tracy respectively, but not Charlie Sheen or Tracy Morgan.  However, the characters they play in these shows seem to perfectly mimic the characters they are in real life.  Charlie is a sex-crazed alcoholic.  No one can really figure out whats in Tracy's head.

Is this the height of laziness?  Can the writers do no better than to mimic the actors' lives?  Can Tracy not understand his lines if they aren't written under his own name?  Have you given up as an actor if you rip your own tabloid headlines for show content?  I actually enjoy both of these shows, but it might be the end of the line for both of these guys.  How do you go on to play a different character when you are known so well for just playing yourself?

Give the Gift of Severed Limbs

What if the Hug E Gram arrives from Uncle Bad Touch?
Ewwww.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPoDIhTRo1k

Shake Weight ...For Women

After hearing about 3 Minute Legs a friend of mine alerted me to the Shake Weight.  Another product of sheer genius, no doubt invented by a crafty gent.  I now fully expect to see a product marketed to "strengthen and tone the neck muscles through repeated plunging motion"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4S3C4AC908w

UPDATE:  "Shake Weight DVD" courtesy of SNL:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/143264/saturday-night-live-shake-weight-dvd

OW! MY BALLS!!

Last night in the NIT Tournament there were multiple intentional shots to the balls on live television.
Who decides this is a good idea...especially following what went down with that female soccer player beotch last year?
Ow!  My BasketBalls!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScvB-QLI78A
Ow!  My SoccerHair!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMAtxuCpsMU
Original Ow!  My Balls!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_4jrMwvZ2A

Three Minute Legs

Here's the latest in exercise genius...3 Minute Legs.

Strengthen and perfect your cowgirl technique!
For Her:  Get in shape and get off...all in one sleek machine
For Him:  Um...well, the benefits here are obvious I think
I do have to agree with the manufacturer though...this should only take about 3 minutes...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aUFZL9R04Y

Don't Blow The Joker

NBC has come up with a real winner called "Minute To Win It", which is basically Who Wants to be a Millionaire with trivia questions swapped out for stupid human tricks.  In the launch show they had a well-built nanny from Alaska play a game titled Don't Blow the Joker.  The game involves a deck of playing cards atop a glass bottle...but that's not important here.  What is important is that Rachel here was wearing form-fitting clothing, bent over in a suggestive position, and blowing with great focus.  Unfortunately she didn't succeed (that depends...) but we did get to watch her try three separate times.

Here's a list of some of the other games to be featured on Minute To Win It:  Bottoms Up, BobbleHead, Face the Cookie, Go the Distance, Hanky Panky, How's It Hangin, Junk In The Trunk, Keep It Up, Mouth To Mouth, Suck It Up, This Blows, and Tweeze Me.

Go away!...'Batin'!

What Goes On Here

This space is where an unofficial record will be kept of sightings (both past and present) which indicate that we are marching down a path where society is ultimately made up of blank-gazed morons.  This prophecy is foretold in movies such as Idiocracy and the Running Man.  Both are good pictures, and both portray a frighteningly real potential for our future - where the masses live in ignorant bliss and are fed base pleasure content by certain controlling forces.  It is amazing how many examples from modern life are in parallel with these visions.  The mission of these posts is not necessarily to judge whether these examples are inherently good or evil (we all have guilty pleasures), but simply to acknowledge that they are omnipresent.  Let's go!