The Better Marriage Blanket

The Better Marraige Blanket fails on more accounts than it succeeds.  Sure, it reduces the potency of smelly farts, but they didn't even address these potential solves:

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  Hogging the covers
• 
  
  Releasing scents of strippers chocolate and roses to encourage amorous behavior
• 
  
  Enhanced drool protection
• 
  
  Sound dampening for heavy snoring

http://gizmodo.com/5527660/the-better-marriage-blanket-dampens-farts-to-save-lives-relationships

Toy Fails

Here's a follow-up to Candy Fails.  For those of you who have always fantasized about pumping Batman until he spits at you...the Batman water gun.  More on this and other key toy fails over at Cracked...

Backtacular Gluteal Cleft Patch

Wow - what an attractive name for a spectacular product!  This is made for the .000001% of ladies that like the comfort and appeal of ultra-low rise jeans, but are ashamed of the resulting butt crack cleavage.  Well now you can patch it up!  While your at it, get another one for the front side to represent the pubic hair you once had in that region.  This product would also work well for those interested in the tramp-stamp look that never found the drunken spring break ambition to execute it.

http://www.kimberlily.com/

Corporate Entertainment

Wal-Mart and Proctor & Gamble are teaming up to feed you wholesome family entertainment.  It's called "Secrets of the Mountain" and it aired last Friday night on NBC.  The movie certainly featured a moutain of product placement.  Even the remote mountain retreat managed to have a number of private-label goods in the kitchen recently acquired at Wal-Mart.  Spoon-fed corporate bs...yummy - that's good entertainment.

My favorite part is that the milf played by Paige Turco is also known for her not-so-wholesome role as Ms. Turbody in Rescue Me a couple years ago.  She was a teacher who seduced her student, then slept with his father figure (Denis Leary) - who proceeded to ask afterward "Can I get a sandwich...Ms Turbody?".  Oh yeah - and she had VD.  Good stuff.

Technology In Reverse

The space shuttle fleet is scheduled to be retired later this year.  There is no re-usable manned spacecraft ready to replace it.  This is not the first time a craft that was on the bleeding edge of technology has been retired without any successor.  This was the case with the concorde supersonic transport and the SR-71 blackbird.  The concorde was the only airliner to fly at supersonic speed.  There is currently no airliner doing this.  The SR-71 holds basically every airspeed record on earth. 

Were these expensive projects?  Hell yes.  Should there be replacements?  That's debatable I suppose.  Satellites have pretty much taken care of the need for the SR-71.  The concorde was too expensive to operate, but by now you would think they could make something more affordable.  Wouldn't you like to travel to Europe in only 3 hours?  The capabilities of the space shuttle are necessary just to maintain the space station.  What's the plan for that?

Your medical technology in reverse...

"It says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded.  Don't worry, scrote. There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now."

Hip Hop Abs

Does drinking Cristal produce rock hard abs? How about rollin on dubs, or pimpin hos and slammin Cadillac doors? No? Oh - it must be the hip-hop dance moves then. Heavy D made it work I think.  Let's face it - there is really only one way to dance your way to a six-pack...(you MUST watch this video - with your audio on)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciX0e3M4_mA

Tripping BALLS!

I Miss The Black Taco

Discovering the KFC Double Down made me long for the days of the BlackJack Taco at Taco Bell.  Man, I wish it were 2009 again.  Not only was it a tasty treat, but the marketing campaign was GENIUS.  I mean...
Black Taco
Come on...
BLACK TACO
Yes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuEdFsq1y5w

The blatantly sexual nature of this is simply devilish.  It could only be topped by a Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Awareness Week Pink Taco - at Taco Bell.  I send out the challenge to the Taco Bell taco artists...

Of course, there is already a Mexican restaurant named the Pink Taco at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. 

So...we're getting very close to fiction future territory...

Candy Fails

Behold the "Orange" flavored Easter Tootsie Pop...

This reminded me of the all-time classic candy fail...the Jar Jar Binks candy tongue.

Yes kids!  You too can make out frech-kiss style with your favorite annoying Star Wars character.  This product is so absurd that I actually own one.  I figure it is going to be worth good money some day.  How did this make it past the George Lucas licensing desk?  There is of course one Star Wars product which is much more legendary...the 1977 C3PO Star Wars "Error" Card...

Look closely.  You can get your hands on one of these beauties on eBay.

KFC Double Down - Chicken Buns

A week is so long to wait for something so revolutionary.  To quote a friend upon learning the Double Down is real..."I will wait in line like an Apple fanboy".  To quote another friend..."This is literally the best thing since sliced bread".  Why would we bother with a bun?  Who needs those excess carbs anyway?

Now I wish someone would just figure out how to make edible hands...
http://www.kfc.com/doubledown/

Booty Pop Panties

These are basically a padded bra for your ass.  I for one think that padded bras, and now booty pop, are false advertising.  Ladies - don't bother working out...just cheat!  Nowadays padded bras are utilized to minimize pokies, which I guess is an acceptable excuse.  Being a red-blooded male, I rather like the pokies though.  It's increasingly rare to find the pokies these days.  The gals just don't put any trust in their given shape anymore. 

And now we have booty pop.  I imagine this plan works well until the lady gets that booty-lovin guy alone at home.  When things get heated and it's time to drop the jeans...then what?  DAMN!  This is the equivalent of a guy stuffing a tube sock in his zipper.  Embarrassing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4EvVErNhVE