Mall Cops: Mall of America

TLC picked up 12 episodes of a show based on the goings-on of mall cops at the MOA.  It's sure to be a thrill-a-minute ride of suburban shopping drama.  I can't wait for the follow up series:  Information Desk Attendant.  What zaniness goes on at the information desk!

One positive could come out of this though.  This could easily resurrect the drinking game we used to play along with COPS.  During each commercial break the contestants in the room predict a scenario or "perp" class which will be featured in the next segment.  For example, you could guess between scenarios like theft, suicide, vandalism, violence, medical emergency, etc.  Or choose between different perps like punk kids, gang members, elderly, baby mamas, employees, or Iowegians.  All those who lose have to drink.  In reality though - everyone's a winner.

Procreation License Revoked - Jersey Shore Cast

Certain people just shouldn't be allowed to procreate.  Their spawn will either have no redeeming value, or just pull down the rest of us somehow along their journey.

With names like J-WOWW, The Situation, and Snooki, you know you aren't dealing with mental heavyweights.  I spent 15 minutes with this show - which is all that I could handle.  The show uses subtitles to help you understand the "english" being spoken.  They live together, sleep with each other, hate each other, and are othewise terribly annoying.  These are the type of vapid dipshits we can look forward to on television for years to come.  Get used to it.

Are You Ready To Face The Hole?

I'm not sure if the "Hole in the Wall" show is still on yet or not, but I remember watching it last year.  The entirety of the show was to challenge the contestants to fit themselves through various shaped holes...in the wall.  That's it.  That's the entire show.  The show is/was hosted by an Amazon gal and a cheesy guy in a suit that would kick off each challenge with the catch phrase..."Are you ready to face the hole?" 

Giggles.  Better yet - for the final challenge the host asks "Are you ready to face the final hole?"  Surely not everyone is prepared or comfortable to face the final hole.  This show would fit right into the Idiocracy TV programming of the future...

Running For Office

"Hello, this is Killian. Give me the Justice Department, Entertainment Division"

A day after the Predator post I was reminded that the same body builders/action stars/governors appeared together in the Running Man.  Who could forget?  Or at least who could forget how Jesse, aka Captain Freedom, looked in that turtleneck and blazer...

Pajama Jeans

I'm holding out for pajama sports coats, collared shirts, pants and ties to wear to weddings, funerals, and most importantly job interviews.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8clu5gDLzI&feature=related
$39.95 - but it includes a free t-shirt.  "This is an entire outfit!"

Predator Governing Bodies

Predator was on TV the other day.  Let's just remind ourselves that TWO of the actors in Predator have become state Governors. 

MN     Jesse 'The Body" Ventura
CA     Arnold Schwarzenegger

I'm a pretty big fan of Carl Weathers - so maybe he'll turn up somewhere as Governor.  According to Wikipedia he has already considered it:
"...he appeared in a spoof segment on Saturday Night Live, announcing that he was running for political office and urging viewers to vote for him on the basis that "he was the black guy in Predator""

Actors That Manage to Play Themselves in Fiction

Charlie Sheen and Tracy Morgan play characters in sitcoms named Charlie and Tracy respectively, but not Charlie Sheen or Tracy Morgan.  However, the characters they play in these shows seem to perfectly mimic the characters they are in real life.  Charlie is a sex-crazed alcoholic.  No one can really figure out whats in Tracy's head.

Is this the height of laziness?  Can the writers do no better than to mimic the actors' lives?  Can Tracy not understand his lines if they aren't written under his own name?  Have you given up as an actor if you rip your own tabloid headlines for show content?  I actually enjoy both of these shows, but it might be the end of the line for both of these guys.  How do you go on to play a different character when you are known so well for just playing yourself?

Give the Gift of Severed Limbs

What if the Hug E Gram arrives from Uncle Bad Touch?
Ewwww.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPoDIhTRo1k

Shake Weight ...For Women

After hearing about 3 Minute Legs a friend of mine alerted me to the Shake Weight.  Another product of sheer genius, no doubt invented by a crafty gent.  I now fully expect to see a product marketed to "strengthen and tone the neck muscles through repeated plunging motion"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4S3C4AC908w

UPDATE:  "Shake Weight DVD" courtesy of SNL:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/143264/saturday-night-live-shake-weight-dvd

OW! MY BALLS!!

Last night in the NIT Tournament there were multiple intentional shots to the balls on live television.
Who decides this is a good idea...especially following what went down with that female soccer player beotch last year?
Ow!  My BasketBalls!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScvB-QLI78A
Ow!  My SoccerHair!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMAtxuCpsMU
Original Ow!  My Balls!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_4jrMwvZ2A

Three Minute Legs

Here's the latest in exercise genius...3 Minute Legs.

Strengthen and perfect your cowgirl technique!
For Her:  Get in shape and get off...all in one sleek machine
For Him:  Um...well, the benefits here are obvious I think
I do have to agree with the manufacturer though...this should only take about 3 minutes...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aUFZL9R04Y

Don't Blow The Joker

NBC has come up with a real winner called "Minute To Win It", which is basically Who Wants to be a Millionaire with trivia questions swapped out for stupid human tricks.  In the launch show they had a well-built nanny from Alaska play a game titled Don't Blow the Joker.  The game involves a deck of playing cards atop a glass bottle...but that's not important here.  What is important is that Rachel here was wearing form-fitting clothing, bent over in a suggestive position, and blowing with great focus.  Unfortunately she didn't succeed (that depends...) but we did get to watch her try three separate times.

Here's a list of some of the other games to be featured on Minute To Win It:  Bottoms Up, BobbleHead, Face the Cookie, Go the Distance, Hanky Panky, How's It Hangin, Junk In The Trunk, Keep It Up, Mouth To Mouth, Suck It Up, This Blows, and Tweeze Me.

Go away!...'Batin'!

What Goes On Here

This space is where an unofficial record will be kept of sightings (both past and present) which indicate that we are marching down a path where society is ultimately made up of blank-gazed morons.  This prophecy is foretold in movies such as Idiocracy and the Running Man.  Both are good pictures, and both portray a frighteningly real potential for our future - where the masses live in ignorant bliss and are fed base pleasure content by certain controlling forces.  It is amazing how many examples from modern life are in parallel with these visions.  The mission of these posts is not necessarily to judge whether these examples are inherently good or evil (we all have guilty pleasures), but simply to acknowledge that they are omnipresent.  Let's go!